I recently wrote to Lindeman’s thanking them for looking after the Mother at BritMums. In my letter I decided to share with them how I woke the Mother up on the morning after BM, which also happened to be Father’s Day. I used a rather awesome wrestling move which I like to call the ‘Breast Bounce Bonanza’! Well, I’ve been thrilled with the response from you lot, especially those of you who decided to share with me your own wrestling moves. This is awesome work dudes and dudettes. Keep it up!
With this in mind, I have decided to look back over previous advice, hints and tips and have come up with an anthology of my main wrestling moves, which I believe will aid all our readers in making sure the Big People remain compliant and awake at what we consider to be an appropriate time at the weekend!
It is my belief that once you have mastered these particular moves, then you have will complete ‘control’ over the Big People, which, afterall, is what we’re meant to have………….
Remember to warm up before ‘practicing’ any wrestling moves. I recommend the trampoline…..
The Breast Bounce Bonanza – This demonstrates the Challenger (aka The Little Big Person) wildly leaping onto a specific part of the Opponent’s (aka the Mother’s) anatomy. This results in shock waves being sent through the Opponent’s boobies. The Challenger will then roll off the Opponent, taking their Opponent’s boobies with them. If the Opponent is of a voluptuous physical nature, the Opponent’s breasts will roll before they do, and consequently get squashed between the Challenger and the mattress. This DOES inflict considerable pain, however, the bruising is not on display to the public, or at least it shouldn’t be…………..
The Conkers Corker This is technically not a ‘move’ but more of a tactical ploy. This will be used to take the male Opponent down when there is a threat that the male Opponent may be winning any form of physical combat.
NB: Dad’s – Man Up(!) and let the Challenger win hence your ‘conkers’ may live to fight another day!
The Tummy Tornado Trembler This involves the Challenger employing stealth warfare upon a sleeping Opponent. The Challenger will kneel upon the stomach of the slumbering Opponent and violently shake their legs. This is particularly effective for the Challenger, and has a more successful response when the Opponent has been consuming alcohol the night before. The Challenger can also receive benefit from employing this particular move if their Opponent has what can be known as a ‘jelly belly’.
Disguise is optional………..
The Fishhooking Frenzy This is a very popular tactic and can be used at any point, day or night. It can be especially effective when an Opponent is feigning sleep, pretending they are ‘working’ when in reality they’re actually playing Candy Crush or checking Facebook, or can simply serve as a gentle attention seeker to let the Opponent know they are present. This is not, strictly speaking, a ‘wrestling move’, but is extremely effective in disabling an Opponent.
NB: Should the Opponent be the Mother and also happen to be wearing Mascara, she will be disabled for an impressive amount of time. This can also be applied to contact lens wearers.
NNB: Combined with the Tummy Tornado Trembler, fish hooking has a 100% success rate!
Remember to psych yourself up before ‘practicing’ any ‘moves’
The Atomic Elbow Tap This will be commenced when the Challenger ‘taps’ their elbow with their hand and then jumps onto the Opponent, allowing the elbow to crash land into any sensitive part of the body. The rib area is a popular spot, along with boobies or the ‘conkers’. Unfortunately retribution to the Challenger is massive in a result of these moves. This normally involves a prolonged engagement with the ‘Naughty Step’, removal of Haribo, or the denial of whichever cartoon the Challenger is currently favouring. The retribution will increase should an Opponent’s ‘conkers’ be involved in this move.
The Pelvic Pulveriser Assume your wrestling stance on the bed. If a pillow is in easy grabbing distance, assume ownership. Jump whilst shouting “It’s WRESTLING TIME!!!!” onto the Mother’s body (anywhere from the waist down). If you have managed to grab a pillow, this will result in them being whacked in either the face or boobie area; we are not fussy so either is good! Once you’ve made a good landing, I suggest you wiggle about for a bit. Do NOT pay any attention to diversionary tactics displayed by the Mother about you having‘hurt’ her lady bits. I suspect she’s been a bit lazy recently and hasn’t had what is called a ‘wax’ and you may be pulling on some hairs down there. She may also try and pull the good old “I’m going to wee myself!” Again, this is laziness on her part as she should have exercised that ‘pevlic floor’ she keep talking about.
NB: We do NOT use this move on the Dad’s. Don’t ask me why but apparently it’s an unwritten rule between Dad’s and us Little Big People.
The ‘art’ of Surprise is key…………
The Mother Mummifier We have now established, through previous moves, that the Mother is docile enough for further strategic moves. Dad will now have probably left the arena (aka their bed(!) and gone to do a morning number two) This gives us Little Big People scope for the Mother Mummifier. It starts off with a passive gesture of rolling the Mother up in the duvet. I find it very resourceful to pretend that you’re playing a gentle game with her and that you’re ‘just playing’. Once she’s wrapped up, throw all the pillows on her head as she’ll find this quite comforting; a bit like a cocoon – honest! Once she’s trapped, you now have the freedom to bounce on her head. It should be noted here that the way her body thrashes around at this point is highly amusing. Pay no attention to any shouts from her that you are suffocating her. You are NOT suffocating her; she’s simply exaggerating (again). When you eventually de-mummify her, the Mother may well pretend to be asleep, or if they’re a practiced parent, even pretend that they’re dead. Shout loudly in their ear and if this is not successful, assume the traditional and very reliable ‘fish hooking’ move. No time should be wasted here. It’s a swift fish-hook to the eye!
Now, I trust that you have found these ‘moves’ of assistance and I look forward to receiving all your updates on how effective they have been. I would now like to pay special mention to my faithful furry friend, Ash the Dog. It turns out that he’s a bit of a legend himself, when it comes to ‘challenging’ the Mother!
- Lick the opponent five minutes before the alarm clock goes off, afterall, ‘Chappie’ breath is far worse than morning breath.
- That tail that wags so becomingly when I greets the Opponent with, upon their arrival home, becomes a lethal weapon when required; ‘wagging’ near the Opponent’s mouth with appropriate force, can/will act as a gag!
- Barking in the Opponent’s ear can stun them into submission
- Want them to move from your favourite spot on the sofa/bed? Lay next to them and ‘drop’ a particular smelly ‘bum-pump’. They will move – no question!
Well, I guess I’d better love you and leave you now. I fear the Mother when she comes bearing talk of the ‘naughty step’ which I think she will do when she reads this post!
As always, I have your back, faithful members of the GL Gang, and I hope you have mine, so if I come seeking refuge when the Mother has read this, I hope you’ll be able to offer me a bed for the night and a few packets of Haribo for the long journey the following day……………